I don’t want to answer my phone,
I would have to tell a lie
I don’t want to see anybody,
They would only see me cry
If you ask me how I feel,
I will cry or lie
or just say nothing.
Don’t be scared, I will get better
give me some time
and never stop asking…
When I started this blog, I was also writing about our ‘adoption history’. But when the adoption was getting more and more reality, I deleted all messages about this topic to protect us (privacy, reactions, etc).
We were accepted as candidate adoption parents in january 2011. We were on the waiting list, candidate number one for 6 months, when I was diagnosed with the brain tumor in september later this year.
We were so ready to be parents, the house was ready, the room, the closet, the names,… We had to be, they could call us every day, and then it could happen in only one week.
Now we are suspended indefinitely, at least untill I am better. We agreed on that, the adoption agency and we. But we both know, at least I think they know, the chances are really big I will never be ready to start parenting.
The fact, that I have to get better myself first and that maybe my future will be a lot shorter than I have imagined it to be (so I better enjoy it!), is standing in the shadow of giving up the idea of starting a little family.
As I got better after the surgery, I started to think about my situation more and more, and I got more sad, and less strong. At first I could talk about it really well, but now I am blocked. The last couple of weeks I did nothing but cry or sleep or go to my radiation therapy. The fact that I am so tired and can’t do anything or see anybody is not helping.
I hope, writing about it will help me. Inshallah
